An answer to the question

So almost every Sunday for several months, I would write a post to update all of the followers who would check on us to see how things were going. For the last 6 weeks the intention was there just couldn't bring myself to do it, or didn't know what to say. Well here are some thoughts that I have had over the last 5 months. I have been asked the question about every 2 weeks. How is your son doing?? Now understand this is from people who I see or talk to infrequently in my work place but sometimes it is from people who live in the valley also. I think to myself, how do I answer the question? I have found there is no easy way and they ask out of concern for my family, as they know of the trials we have had to endure. I will usually pause, take a deep breath, and ask them if they are sure they want me to answer. Then I will give them the shock that they are not prepared for. Their response is exactly that, SHOCK. I will explain a few details and then compose myself and continue on with my day. And that is how most weeks seem to be. Just do the best I can and move forward.

I will frequently talk to people of the community and be asked the question-how are we (family) doing. Simply put the answer is this. Some days are better than others. In looking back over the last 5 months, it is exactly that. The difficult times for me are the reminders that create the emptiness. The simple things like on my cell phone, his speed dial number, his bedroom and the need to go through his belongings and decide what to keep and what to do with the rest. When I get out lawn mower, his beloved mountain bike hangs next to it. We had the missionaries over for dinner on Wednesday and for some reason i decided that baby green beans would be good that night. Then it occurred to me that Tanners favorite veggie was beans.

I have lost a brother, have lost both parents after years of medical issues, grandparents, favorite uncles and the grief I have felt is different. It doesn't even compare. I read last night the comment online. "A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child, because the loss is like no other." This quote describes it perfectly.

We as a family adopted the phrase "one day at a time". This still continues even now. It is as if time stood still from November till June for us. We were indeed in a different world. I follow several children and their journey of cancer treatment. It is all to familiar, the ups and downs of treatment. Now it seems life is just so busy with Kaley and volleyball and cheer, Kristi working 3 part time jobs to try and stay busy and me spending far too much time at work. I try to balance home, work, and church but it seems like there is just not enough time so usually one of the 3 will take a back seat for the week.

I have come to the conclusion as I visit with people from time to time that it is apparent that as much as people want to approach my family or I, they have the fear of not knowing what to say. Let me just say, that there is NOTHING anyone can do or say to change how things are but knowing that some one cares about us DOES make a difference at that moment in time. And for me it does help to talk about it. I will tell you how incredibly blessed we were as a family, how his treatment was relatively uncomplicated in comparison to say Kim or Skyler or Jacob or Aubree or, well I could go on and on. The fact remains that Tanner has graduated to move on to bigger and better things and someday we will meet again and be joined as a family. And that he had a HUGE impact on those around him while at PCMC. But for now we are left The question of WHY. Someday we will have the answer. I have accepted this fact and wait and look for the opportunity to make a difference with some one who needs the support of one who has bee through it before. It may be next week, next year or in 10 years. I will be there.


Love

Robert