Dear freinds,
Tanner's birthday was full of emotions. Woke up crying and my heart hurting. Said a prayer for help to find my act of kindness, Pulled myself together and got ready for work, Christmas party of course, how do I get through that? As I was packing my car with treats and presents to take, I had an impression, "take the diaper bags" From the fundraiser we had for Tanner, we had 3 nice diaper bags left, I got in my car, without them and the impression came again. Not understanding why I went back in and got them. Went to work, party done, treats done.
Finally getting to my weeks worth of messages, I came to one that read, " Teenage girls make mistakes, but their babies need our love" they were asking for "gifts" for the babies. How excited was I when I thought about the diaper bags!!! What joy filled my heart as my two daughters, and my grandson went shopping for rattles, and toys for tiny babies, to give with our diaper bags, small act of kindness but what joy it brought to my heart.
Later that night, about 30 of my family members met at the cemetary, and realeased 20 balloons, for Tanner's 20th birthday, his golden birthday (thanks Lizzie). What a beautiful site. Then went to our home and had cake and ice cream.
Then, the youth in our ward came and sang Christmas carols to us, just like carolers did at the hospital the night Tanner was born. What a tender day. So great to have Tender Mercies given to us this day. I love and miss my son more that words could ever explain, but moments like this I know he is with us.
Thank you for letting me share my day, pray for your children and you mom's.
Love to all
Kristi

Friends and Family

Dear friends and family,
Tomorrow, December 20th is Tanner's birthday, we as a family wanted to honor his memory, so we have decided to celebrate his life by doing some act of kindness tomorrow for Tanner. We have had many people want to join us, so here is the invite, please join us, it doesn't have to be anything big, just kind...Tanner would love that. Can you imagine how that would feel, to know how much you are loved and missed.
Then as a family, we are going to meet at the cemetary and release 20 balloons and have cake and ice cream.
Tanner touched many lives, and through us he will continue to do so.
Love Kristi

Thoughts on Gratitude

As many of you know the world as we knew it was permanently changed 1 year ago on Nov 14. As I have reflected on the events of the last year I wanted to share some things for witch I am grateful. I as shared with you last year It is the little things that make the most difference and are the things which help the most. So here is my list of the top ten things in no particular order.

1-Dinners delivered on Wednesday every week for months (my choice of only once a week). This was most memorable for me because I was able to meet some truly amazing people whom i did not know personally before. And also the food was awesome.

2-Snow removal. I had purchased a big snow blower 2 years ago and consider it a toy, but it is kind of hard to use it when i was in SLC. It was nice to know things were taken care of in my absence.

3-Vehicle loan. In January for some reason Kristi got back to Logan early and I was late leaving, so she insisted I take her car for the weekend. She drove my car to work on Monday and a she lost steering due to a broken ball joint. What would the outcome had been had I had the car? lets just say I don't think it would have been good. Anyway some awesome neighbors offered (no demanded) we use a car that just happened to be sitting around (a 2009 Volvo SUV that they had for sale) so Kristi would have safe transportation while my car was repaired.

4-Housing in SLC. while housing at the Ronald McDonald house was nice, it just wasn't a place to call home for several months in anticipation for the upcoming transplant. We finally had a private place of our own with a kitchen that was not shared. This was due to the generosity of a local businessman.

5-Name kept on prayer roll of the temple. We had someone make calls to all (yes all) of the temples in the US. How is that for prayers on our behalf?

6-Landscaping. I came home one day in early may and my neighbor informed me that her family would be they would be planting flowers in front of the house and hoped it was OK. The flowers looked wonderful and everyday when i came home i was reminded of the thoughtfulness of this family.

7-The yard was mowed on a regular basis until June. More amazing neighbors

8-How are you doing. When I would see friends and acquaintances outside of my home, this is the question asked. Except they waited for an answer, because they wanted to know. again it was during these times I was able to meet and get to know those around me better.

9-Turkey door ditching. Last December while cleaning and sanitizing the house in preparation for Tanners 1st homecoming and b-day i was taking out the garbage and interrupted the door drop, needless to say I caught the person red handed and red faced. But the problem is I was just as surprised because this was just the beginning of the long list of acts of service and kindness shown to us and i had not yet began to comprehend it in the least.

10-Professional services. I was on the receiving end of numerous "NO CHARGES FOR SERVICES RENDERED TODAY". These included car repairs, dental work, and veterinary care. I was told by President Lynn Hobbs that "There can be no service if there are no people to accept the act of service". Trust me is can be difficult to accept things that we are capable of doing but who am I to rob others of blessing of giving service.

11- Meeting other cancer families. In the beginning you feel all alone and no one understands what you are going though. I heard the comment "Is this any different than 2 years ago?" The only ones who truly understand what it is like to go though cancer is some one who has been there before.

12- Safe travel. Kristi and I traveled back and forth from SLC more that 55 times from November till May. Conditions ranged from Rain to Snow to Ice and Fog. But we always arrived safely and on time.


As you can see this list goes on and on. What I am trying to say is even though we have had an extremely difficult year and the emotions are still there. Tears still flow almost on a daily basis, there are so many things to be grateful for. As I heard in church today we choose to be grateful or not.

As I have reflected on what to share in this post the scripture from D and C 78:17-19

17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings there of are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.
19 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.


While I am still looking for the answer as to why my family endured this trial, I can see the hand of the lord in taking care of me during this difficult time.

I follow other cancer kids though blogs and facebook-I know firsthand of the pain, complications and heartache the kids and families endure. I pray for them and ask you to do the same. I hope you have all had a wonderful thanksgiving holiday and hope you took time to reflect and share the gratitude you have for the blessings in your life

Forever Strong
Robert

An answer to the question

So almost every Sunday for several months, I would write a post to update all of the followers who would check on us to see how things were going. For the last 6 weeks the intention was there just couldn't bring myself to do it, or didn't know what to say. Well here are some thoughts that I have had over the last 5 months. I have been asked the question about every 2 weeks. How is your son doing?? Now understand this is from people who I see or talk to infrequently in my work place but sometimes it is from people who live in the valley also. I think to myself, how do I answer the question? I have found there is no easy way and they ask out of concern for my family, as they know of the trials we have had to endure. I will usually pause, take a deep breath, and ask them if they are sure they want me to answer. Then I will give them the shock that they are not prepared for. Their response is exactly that, SHOCK. I will explain a few details and then compose myself and continue on with my day. And that is how most weeks seem to be. Just do the best I can and move forward.

I will frequently talk to people of the community and be asked the question-how are we (family) doing. Simply put the answer is this. Some days are better than others. In looking back over the last 5 months, it is exactly that. The difficult times for me are the reminders that create the emptiness. The simple things like on my cell phone, his speed dial number, his bedroom and the need to go through his belongings and decide what to keep and what to do with the rest. When I get out lawn mower, his beloved mountain bike hangs next to it. We had the missionaries over for dinner on Wednesday and for some reason i decided that baby green beans would be good that night. Then it occurred to me that Tanners favorite veggie was beans.

I have lost a brother, have lost both parents after years of medical issues, grandparents, favorite uncles and the grief I have felt is different. It doesn't even compare. I read last night the comment online. "A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child, because the loss is like no other." This quote describes it perfectly.

We as a family adopted the phrase "one day at a time". This still continues even now. It is as if time stood still from November till June for us. We were indeed in a different world. I follow several children and their journey of cancer treatment. It is all to familiar, the ups and downs of treatment. Now it seems life is just so busy with Kaley and volleyball and cheer, Kristi working 3 part time jobs to try and stay busy and me spending far too much time at work. I try to balance home, work, and church but it seems like there is just not enough time so usually one of the 3 will take a back seat for the week.

I have come to the conclusion as I visit with people from time to time that it is apparent that as much as people want to approach my family or I, they have the fear of not knowing what to say. Let me just say, that there is NOTHING anyone can do or say to change how things are but knowing that some one cares about us DOES make a difference at that moment in time. And for me it does help to talk about it. I will tell you how incredibly blessed we were as a family, how his treatment was relatively uncomplicated in comparison to say Kim or Skyler or Jacob or Aubree or, well I could go on and on. The fact remains that Tanner has graduated to move on to bigger and better things and someday we will meet again and be joined as a family. And that he had a HUGE impact on those around him while at PCMC. But for now we are left The question of WHY. Someday we will have the answer. I have accepted this fact and wait and look for the opportunity to make a difference with some one who needs the support of one who has bee through it before. It may be next week, next year or in 10 years. I will be there.


Love

Robert

Headstone

It's finally here, we are so pleased with how it turned out.

Important information

I know many of you follow the kids that are on Tanner blog, if you would take a few minutes and read, "Little air bears" blog, she has done an amazing job gathering information about childhood cancer numbers as well as the lack of funding.
Thank you Jill

Please help us spread the word.

And thank you to all who offered to help make ribbons. Yes I am going to do more, but first I have to let my fingers heal, and find more brads. If any of you see SILVER little hearts please let me know!
Thanks
Kristi

Letter

This letter is from a cancer mom, I don't think she knows how priceless this letter is to me. We have become friends as we are in a group called "Utah's mom's of cancer fighting cuties". She has a beautiful little boy who is still receiving treatments. My dear Friend, I love you and thank you for letting me share you letter.


Kristi
I just watched the video you posted and got so emotional seeing pictures of Tanner. I haven't really shared this with anyone but Tanner has touched my life tremendously. I never got the privilege to meet him in person but I followed his story and he was and still is such an inspiration to me. For a long time now I haven't been active in the church. Deep down I have always known it was true but I had my issues and just never got involved. But ever since reading about Tanner things have changed. He has been my missionary. If he can go through everything he went through and still be so happy and active in the church so can I. I want to be like him and I want to live my life the way he lived his. I have had the bishopric over to my house and am planning a meeting to talk to the bishop. I have never really allowed myself the opportunity to get to know the sisters in the ward but I am starting to now. I want to thank you for raising such an amazing young man and for sharing his story with us. I know things have happened for a reason and I'm so grateful that I was able to get to know your son, even if just through your blog.


Just a little side note; I made 150 gold childhood cancer awareness ribbons today. The best I can do know is help to get the word out. Fill like I accomplished something worth while today :)

Thank you for your love and support, as Tanner would say "one day at a time"
Love and miss you my son.
Forever-strong
Mom