The Dream

Going to bed last night was a welcome event after my day of emotions. Writing the blog last night help to vocalize my feelings, and put them in some kind of order. As I prayed last night for a little more understanding, and comfort, I drifted off to sleep.
"The Dream" began as Tanner and I were on our way to Salt Lake to visit our friends in Primary Children's Hospital, and go the Curesearch walk. We entered the hospital to the welcoming arms of the Nurses we haven't seen for a while, we enjoyed our visits, then off to visit the kids, when a nurse noticed Tanner was not feeling so well, he had a fever, yes admitted again, replaying the same events that were so familiar to us. Put in a room with a beautiful view of the outside world, children playing, families together, and the sun shining. Tanner lay in his bed watching. As I started frantically looking for a hotel to stay in. He was back, but not in the way I wanted him to be, he entered into his diseased body, his isolated room,only to watch the view from a window. This is not what I have wanted, and I began to feel a joy that Tanner was free, free from diseased body, free from an inside view only. He did this for me, to help me understand how happy he is, how blessed we are to have a body, but some of them are not perfect. He his healthy.
I woke up happy to have spent a little time with him in my dream, but filled with joy to know he no longer is limited in what he can accomplish, his possibilities are endless, as is our family. We are forever-strong
Kristi

Hard to accept

As I sit here tonight, 6 weeks after Tanner's passing,I am wondering if there will ever be a day or even a moment when it doesn't hurt. I have been thinking about Tanner and missing him all day, and found myself almost pleading with my Heavenly Father to please give him back. Though I know this is not possible I long to see him again. I miss his raise of his eyebrow as he walks into the room and says hi mom, and the whats for dinner mom, and I'm going to Alex's don't worry see ya later's, an so many other things. But today it's "how long do I have to wait to see him again" is he happy, is grandma still kissing him, and does he miss us. I know the answer to all of these things is yes, but the human heart wants more. So onto my knee's I go to ask for peace in my heart, to help me be a little stronger tomorrow than I was today. To remember all the good he has done, and follow his example. He inspires me to be a better person.
I know that this is alot of personal feelings, but I want this blog to be a source of healing and strenght know, and to record our thoughts our memories, our laughs and our tears if needed. If you would like to follow you are welcome and we love to read your posts and stories of Tanner. So please feel free to share.
Many of you have commented that you don't know what to say to us, so here is just a few ideas, Tell us your sorry, that you loved him too, that you mourn with us, and you are praying for us, or even simple, I don't know what to say to you but I love you. These small simple things are all we need, and that you won't forget him either.

We are so grateful for all the books, music, pictures that we have been given, to help us heal. It truly is appreciated.
Thank you for your continued love and support,we know our Heavenly Father is aware of our sorrow, and comforts us continually.
Love to all
Kristi

Cure Search Video

This is a video of the brave kids diagnosed with cancer in Utah this past year. Many of them have beaten cancer, some are still fighting, and a few have gone on to a better place.

Support CureSearch and help find a cure for Childhood Cancer.

Watch close and you will see Tanner twice!

Thoughts

It has been a long while since I shared any thoughts. I used to post every sunday afternoon, sharing some of the experiences of the previous week. Well today I would like to share some thoughts of the last month. I was sitting in the chair of a dentist this week whom I hadn't seen for a long period of time, mostly due to convenience. There is always a hesitaion of people when they greet you as they don't know what to say or do. However this guy has been in my position before and knew how it feels to lose someone. I don't think it was a coincidenced that I had called that morning due to breaking a tooth the day before, and he was able to see me that day. We had an amazing visit, and as I shared some things with him, I realized that most of the time it is a matter of perspective as to wether things are positive or negative. I thoght about the last 7 monthes and how much we as a family had been blessed. We drove to SLC twice a week, most of the time was in snow and rain. But had been kept safe. We were able to meet other families in the ICS who helped us cope, and see that the trials and adverity we were enduring, things could be so much worse. We were able to support other families who were new to this trial and help them get though the difficult times though our experiences. Though we spenet weeks at a time seperated as a family and the only contact we had daily was texting and phone calls, we have never been closer as a family. Tanner shared this and imformed this to Kristi in a Mothers day note he wrote her. In my employment, Things just went well for me in my resposibilities, in thinking back I am amazed at how I was able to be absent and I never had any issues come up that couldn't be handled long distance. It has been commented to me that the ward and neighborhood was brought together in making "THE RALLY FOR TANNER" a reality. But what stands out the most is that on Tanners final day here, we were able to spend May 14 day together as a family, a complete family. We live 1 block from the cemetary, we visit often. Tanner was in charge and seemed to know the answers to things before Doctors informed us. He was able to be free of pain until the last week. This is usually not the case. So looking back we were watched over and looked after. Blessed in so many ways! I could go on and on.

I have been trying to come up with the words to describe the last 5 weeks for a while now. And cannot yet describe the support we have recieved. We have been comforted by so many and still not a day goes by that we recieve a card or letter in the mail telling us what an impact Tanner had on them. These are the things that get us through the hard times. We live in an amazing community and neighborhood, and I cannot imagine the last 6 monthes with out the help we recieved. Simply put we have been taken care of. The hardest thing for me to do was to say yes to some of the service shown to us. These things will never be forgotten, as they were done out of Love and compassion.

I hope these thoughts make sense, as I am not much of a writer.

Love

Robert

Thank you

I have started to write a blog at least 4 or 5 times. Each time I would get a line or two done, and then quit. I am filled with such sadness it's hard to continue, but I need to say thank you. Thank you for your kindness and love you have shown.

We have been comforted by your willingness to share our loss. We are so grateful for the tender stories that have been shared with us about Tanner. We are grateful for the kind notes and letters from the wonderful staff at Primary Children's hospital. We love and miss you and will see you again one day.

Tanner was such an example of quite strenght and we know he is now serving his mission, and doing a far greater work. I feel very blessed to be his mother.

To my wonderful family, we could not have done with without you, my brothers and sisters,friends and ward family, We know the Lord has angels on this earth and we are blessed to know many of you.
I have so many things I want to share with you, and I hope to do so in time, but for now thank you for your continued support, you have not left us,as we learn to face this life without Tanner, but know he will be with us forever. Earth is only for a short time, but he is in our hearts and thoughts every minute of every day.

Kristi