Christmas

Here is is Christmas day. We have spent the day here at home with family and attending a wonderful Sacrament meeting. I wanted to share an experience we had last night. Over the last few days we have been the recipients of the twelve days of Christmas. Each Night we have received a different piece for a nativity set. It has been interesting the thoughts we have had. Ranging from I wonder who it is. to Lets find out who it is, to pure enjoyment of being remembered this time of year. At first we were determined to catch them, then it occurred to us that it was intended to be anonymous so I planned to write a thank you note for them, then it occurred to me, this is being done as an act of kindness (yes another act of kindness) given to our family. So as I sat in my chair reading the paper, or catching up on our cancer friends online as I do daily, I have a clear view of the front door out our window and they would simply keep their back to me and a hood pulled up over their head and place the package and then run. I am reminded of something that a friend (and also father who lost a son to cancer) told me---there can be no service rendered if there is no one to receive it!!!!!! A year ago it was so difficult to be on the receiving end of all the countless act of service we received, but now I have a much better understanding of the Lords plan. We received the final piece of the nativity set last night as we were home watching "The Polar Express". Included in the package was this quote from President Hinckley----CHRISTMAS IS MORE THAN TREES AND TWINKLING LIGHTS, MORE THAN TOYS AND GIFTS AND BAUBLES OF A HUNDRED VARIETIES. IT IS LOVE. IT IS THE LOVE OF THE SON OF GOD FOR ALL MANKIND. IT IS THE PEACE WHICH COMFORTS, WHICH SUSTAINS, WHICH BLESSES ALL WHO ACCEPT IT. IT IS FAITH IT IS FAITH IN GOD AND HIS ETERNAL SON. IT IS FAITH IN HIS WONDROUS WAYS AND MESSAGE. IT IS FAITH IN HIM AS OUR REDEEMER AND OUR LORD. WE TESTIFY OF HIS LIVING REALITY. WE TESTIFY OF THE DIVINITY OF HIS NATURE. IN OUR TIME OF GRATEFUL MEDITATION, WE ACKNOWLEDGE HIS PRICELESS GIFT TO US AND PLEDGE OUR LOVE AND FAITH. THIS IS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS REALLY ABOUT.

As I read this out loud last night and again today, It really hit me and made me ponder about the love and blessings given to us.

We have had a good, very good Christmas. We have spent is at home as a family. As we exchaged gifts this morning, I could't help but notice a picture of Tanner, on our memorial cabinet, He is looking directly at us and it was as if here were here watching us. It has definatly been different this year as we have been looking for ways to serve others and make sure they were taken care of this holiday season.

To those who have been involed in serving us or others, THANK YOU, words cannot describe the gratiude we have felt over the last days and over the last year.

Forever Strong

Robert

Dear freinds,
Tanner's birthday was full of emotions. Woke up crying and my heart hurting. Said a prayer for help to find my act of kindness, Pulled myself together and got ready for work, Christmas party of course, how do I get through that? As I was packing my car with treats and presents to take, I had an impression, "take the diaper bags" From the fundraiser we had for Tanner, we had 3 nice diaper bags left, I got in my car, without them and the impression came again. Not understanding why I went back in and got them. Went to work, party done, treats done.
Finally getting to my weeks worth of messages, I came to one that read, " Teenage girls make mistakes, but their babies need our love" they were asking for "gifts" for the babies. How excited was I when I thought about the diaper bags!!! What joy filled my heart as my two daughters, and my grandson went shopping for rattles, and toys for tiny babies, to give with our diaper bags, small act of kindness but what joy it brought to my heart.
Later that night, about 30 of my family members met at the cemetary, and realeased 20 balloons, for Tanner's 20th birthday, his golden birthday (thanks Lizzie). What a beautiful site. Then went to our home and had cake and ice cream.
Then, the youth in our ward came and sang Christmas carols to us, just like carolers did at the hospital the night Tanner was born. What a tender day. So great to have Tender Mercies given to us this day. I love and miss my son more that words could ever explain, but moments like this I know he is with us.
Thank you for letting me share my day, pray for your children and you mom's.
Love to all
Kristi

Friends and Family

Dear friends and family,
Tomorrow, December 20th is Tanner's birthday, we as a family wanted to honor his memory, so we have decided to celebrate his life by doing some act of kindness tomorrow for Tanner. We have had many people want to join us, so here is the invite, please join us, it doesn't have to be anything big, just kind...Tanner would love that. Can you imagine how that would feel, to know how much you are loved and missed.
Then as a family, we are going to meet at the cemetary and release 20 balloons and have cake and ice cream.
Tanner touched many lives, and through us he will continue to do so.
Love Kristi

Thoughts on Gratitude

As many of you know the world as we knew it was permanently changed 1 year ago on Nov 14. As I have reflected on the events of the last year I wanted to share some things for witch I am grateful. I as shared with you last year It is the little things that make the most difference and are the things which help the most. So here is my list of the top ten things in no particular order.

1-Dinners delivered on Wednesday every week for months (my choice of only once a week). This was most memorable for me because I was able to meet some truly amazing people whom i did not know personally before. And also the food was awesome.

2-Snow removal. I had purchased a big snow blower 2 years ago and consider it a toy, but it is kind of hard to use it when i was in SLC. It was nice to know things were taken care of in my absence.

3-Vehicle loan. In January for some reason Kristi got back to Logan early and I was late leaving, so she insisted I take her car for the weekend. She drove my car to work on Monday and a she lost steering due to a broken ball joint. What would the outcome had been had I had the car? lets just say I don't think it would have been good. Anyway some awesome neighbors offered (no demanded) we use a car that just happened to be sitting around (a 2009 Volvo SUV that they had for sale) so Kristi would have safe transportation while my car was repaired.

4-Housing in SLC. while housing at the Ronald McDonald house was nice, it just wasn't a place to call home for several months in anticipation for the upcoming transplant. We finally had a private place of our own with a kitchen that was not shared. This was due to the generosity of a local businessman.

5-Name kept on prayer roll of the temple. We had someone make calls to all (yes all) of the temples in the US. How is that for prayers on our behalf?

6-Landscaping. I came home one day in early may and my neighbor informed me that her family would be they would be planting flowers in front of the house and hoped it was OK. The flowers looked wonderful and everyday when i came home i was reminded of the thoughtfulness of this family.

7-The yard was mowed on a regular basis until June. More amazing neighbors

8-How are you doing. When I would see friends and acquaintances outside of my home, this is the question asked. Except they waited for an answer, because they wanted to know. again it was during these times I was able to meet and get to know those around me better.

9-Turkey door ditching. Last December while cleaning and sanitizing the house in preparation for Tanners 1st homecoming and b-day i was taking out the garbage and interrupted the door drop, needless to say I caught the person red handed and red faced. But the problem is I was just as surprised because this was just the beginning of the long list of acts of service and kindness shown to us and i had not yet began to comprehend it in the least.

10-Professional services. I was on the receiving end of numerous "NO CHARGES FOR SERVICES RENDERED TODAY". These included car repairs, dental work, and veterinary care. I was told by President Lynn Hobbs that "There can be no service if there are no people to accept the act of service". Trust me is can be difficult to accept things that we are capable of doing but who am I to rob others of blessing of giving service.

11- Meeting other cancer families. In the beginning you feel all alone and no one understands what you are going though. I heard the comment "Is this any different than 2 years ago?" The only ones who truly understand what it is like to go though cancer is some one who has been there before.

12- Safe travel. Kristi and I traveled back and forth from SLC more that 55 times from November till May. Conditions ranged from Rain to Snow to Ice and Fog. But we always arrived safely and on time.


As you can see this list goes on and on. What I am trying to say is even though we have had an extremely difficult year and the emotions are still there. Tears still flow almost on a daily basis, there are so many things to be grateful for. As I heard in church today we choose to be grateful or not.

As I have reflected on what to share in this post the scripture from D and C 78:17-19

17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you;
18 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings there of are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.
19 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.


While I am still looking for the answer as to why my family endured this trial, I can see the hand of the lord in taking care of me during this difficult time.

I follow other cancer kids though blogs and facebook-I know firsthand of the pain, complications and heartache the kids and families endure. I pray for them and ask you to do the same. I hope you have all had a wonderful thanksgiving holiday and hope you took time to reflect and share the gratitude you have for the blessings in your life

Forever Strong
Robert

An answer to the question

So almost every Sunday for several months, I would write a post to update all of the followers who would check on us to see how things were going. For the last 6 weeks the intention was there just couldn't bring myself to do it, or didn't know what to say. Well here are some thoughts that I have had over the last 5 months. I have been asked the question about every 2 weeks. How is your son doing?? Now understand this is from people who I see or talk to infrequently in my work place but sometimes it is from people who live in the valley also. I think to myself, how do I answer the question? I have found there is no easy way and they ask out of concern for my family, as they know of the trials we have had to endure. I will usually pause, take a deep breath, and ask them if they are sure they want me to answer. Then I will give them the shock that they are not prepared for. Their response is exactly that, SHOCK. I will explain a few details and then compose myself and continue on with my day. And that is how most weeks seem to be. Just do the best I can and move forward.

I will frequently talk to people of the community and be asked the question-how are we (family) doing. Simply put the answer is this. Some days are better than others. In looking back over the last 5 months, it is exactly that. The difficult times for me are the reminders that create the emptiness. The simple things like on my cell phone, his speed dial number, his bedroom and the need to go through his belongings and decide what to keep and what to do with the rest. When I get out lawn mower, his beloved mountain bike hangs next to it. We had the missionaries over for dinner on Wednesday and for some reason i decided that baby green beans would be good that night. Then it occurred to me that Tanners favorite veggie was beans.

I have lost a brother, have lost both parents after years of medical issues, grandparents, favorite uncles and the grief I have felt is different. It doesn't even compare. I read last night the comment online. "A person that loses a partner is called a widow. A child who loses a parent is called an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child, because the loss is like no other." This quote describes it perfectly.

We as a family adopted the phrase "one day at a time". This still continues even now. It is as if time stood still from November till June for us. We were indeed in a different world. I follow several children and their journey of cancer treatment. It is all to familiar, the ups and downs of treatment. Now it seems life is just so busy with Kaley and volleyball and cheer, Kristi working 3 part time jobs to try and stay busy and me spending far too much time at work. I try to balance home, work, and church but it seems like there is just not enough time so usually one of the 3 will take a back seat for the week.

I have come to the conclusion as I visit with people from time to time that it is apparent that as much as people want to approach my family or I, they have the fear of not knowing what to say. Let me just say, that there is NOTHING anyone can do or say to change how things are but knowing that some one cares about us DOES make a difference at that moment in time. And for me it does help to talk about it. I will tell you how incredibly blessed we were as a family, how his treatment was relatively uncomplicated in comparison to say Kim or Skyler or Jacob or Aubree or, well I could go on and on. The fact remains that Tanner has graduated to move on to bigger and better things and someday we will meet again and be joined as a family. And that he had a HUGE impact on those around him while at PCMC. But for now we are left The question of WHY. Someday we will have the answer. I have accepted this fact and wait and look for the opportunity to make a difference with some one who needs the support of one who has bee through it before. It may be next week, next year or in 10 years. I will be there.


Love

Robert

Headstone

It's finally here, we are so pleased with how it turned out.

Important information

I know many of you follow the kids that are on Tanner blog, if you would take a few minutes and read, "Little air bears" blog, she has done an amazing job gathering information about childhood cancer numbers as well as the lack of funding.
Thank you Jill

Please help us spread the word.

And thank you to all who offered to help make ribbons. Yes I am going to do more, but first I have to let my fingers heal, and find more brads. If any of you see SILVER little hearts please let me know!
Thanks
Kristi

Letter

This letter is from a cancer mom, I don't think she knows how priceless this letter is to me. We have become friends as we are in a group called "Utah's mom's of cancer fighting cuties". She has a beautiful little boy who is still receiving treatments. My dear Friend, I love you and thank you for letting me share you letter.


Kristi
I just watched the video you posted and got so emotional seeing pictures of Tanner. I haven't really shared this with anyone but Tanner has touched my life tremendously. I never got the privilege to meet him in person but I followed his story and he was and still is such an inspiration to me. For a long time now I haven't been active in the church. Deep down I have always known it was true but I had my issues and just never got involved. But ever since reading about Tanner things have changed. He has been my missionary. If he can go through everything he went through and still be so happy and active in the church so can I. I want to be like him and I want to live my life the way he lived his. I have had the bishopric over to my house and am planning a meeting to talk to the bishop. I have never really allowed myself the opportunity to get to know the sisters in the ward but I am starting to now. I want to thank you for raising such an amazing young man and for sharing his story with us. I know things have happened for a reason and I'm so grateful that I was able to get to know your son, even if just through your blog.


Just a little side note; I made 150 gold childhood cancer awareness ribbons today. The best I can do know is help to get the word out. Fill like I accomplished something worth while today :)

Thank you for your love and support, as Tanner would say "one day at a time"
Love and miss you my son.
Forever-strong
Mom

September is childhood cancer awareness month

Today 36 children will die from cancer
So while we are getting ready for a fun summer weekend.....
108 families will be mourning the loss of their little ones.

Cancer Sucks

Sorry

I cannot get this to video to post. Please go to my facebook page. I will keep working on it.
Thanks
Kristi

Video

This is a video that was made by a cancer mom. She is trying to raise awareness for childhood cancer. She to lost her sweet angel.
Tanner is in several pictures. Tears of sadness as I watched these children knowing what they are enduring. Please share this video. Help us help our children.
Kristi

http://youtube/0EPMWx9_D9Q

Another Angel

Today we lost another child to Cancer. Daniel was only 7. My heart aches and brings back all those emotions of just a few short months ago. Why do we have to lose our children to cancer? I think I'm at the angry stage of healing.....stupid cancer.....
Kristi

Summer's end

I can't believe the summer is coming to a close and school is about to begin. The last few weeks have been so busy with much to get done. Kaley is entering her first year of high school. In Logan it's 9th grade. I don't know who has more emotions me or her. She is excited for her high school days, she made the freshman volleyball team as the setter. She is so excited. Football games, Friends, friends, and more friends, and a little school work on the side. For me, she is my baby, my last one and she is now in high school. I am excited to cheer her on as she moves forward in all aspects of her life. She truly is an amazing young women.

This weekend we were able to use a dear friends condo at bear lake. This was a much needed break for our family. Shayna, Shawn, and my sweet grandson Jaxon came with us. Although it was great to be together, I thought of Tanner often, one was missing, and for me there was a huge empty place in my heart. I tried hard not to cry or mention it, but I felt the others noticed it as well. I thought of when the kids were small and we would take them to the beach and they would play for hours. Sand buckets, shovels, seashells, lunch, floaty tubes, and root beer. What a treasured memory. I have a picture of Tanner and Kaley sitting on the beach facing the water with their backs toward me, Tanner's hand is on Kaley's back taking care of her. I love that picture. So many cherished memories...lock them in side and hold them close...they help me get by another day.

We took Kaley and went to the pickleville play "Joseph and the amazing technicolored dream coat. It was so fun, the dancing, singing and laughs were just what we needed. Kaley even had a great time, except for the man sitting next to her that fell asleep in her arm rest. Kind of funny.
All in all it was a good trip. Thank you so much Tina for the use of your condo, we enjoyed our time together. .... A day at a time....

Love Kristi

Green beans

Yesterday was a busy day with lots of running around. Kaley was selling hot dogs for the 3rd day in a row trying to earn money for her trip to nationals in the spring. What dedication she has had to spent six hours a day in the hot trailer selling a hot dog and a drink for 35 cents. Not much was raised but she put the effort in.


As I ran my many errands a trip to the grocery store was the final stop. Not a good thing to do on Saturday. Macey's was having there case lot sale so I picked up a few things. A case of corn was on the list, right next to it was the sliced green beans...tears came, Tanner loved sliced green beans, I guess I won't be buying to many of those any more. It's the little things that catch you by surprise, middle of the store crying over green beans. Don't think this sadness will ever end. Some day I hope to just control it a little better.


Kristi

Sundays

I think I've decided that Sundays are the hardest days. I think it's because we stop from our crazy week and just enjoy the spirit of the day, the lessons we learned, the renewing of covenants, but most of all a spiritual connection between Heaven and Earth, the things we believe, and the things we hope for, the dreams we hold onto and the people we love. All of these are what I hold close to my heart. During the week these are all part of my daily life, but on Sundays is when I tend to listen a little closer, love a little deeper, and hold out for hope stronger. Sundays are my hardest days but also the healing days..
Today we attended two sacrament meetings. The first was to our old ward where one of Tanner's good friends was having his mission farewell, I knew this would be hard but I also knew that Alex needed our family's support. I sometimes have to remember that I'm not the only one that is hurting. They have shared our joys and our heartaches as our families have grown up together. This was a day I have longed for with Tanner, When he was about 10 I found a book that is called "mommy do I have to serve a mission". It's about a little boy who was afraid to leave his mom. I gave this to Tanner with a letter written on the first page from his mom, Telling him of his strengths and courage and that Heavenly Father would never leave him alone, and that his mother would always be close.(I have kept my word, he never leaves my heart). I think of his mission he is now serving and I couldn't be more proud of the young man he is, serving his mission on the other side. Alex I am so proud of you, serve well.

The next sacrament was at our own ward. We received a new bishopric today. Though I am grateful for the new bishopric ( they will be awesome), I am saddened at the release of our passed leaders. I can't begin to tell you of the love that I have for these three men. Our dear Bishop Bingham was a source of strength comfort, encouragement to us as we faced our trial. Weekly he would visit Tanner and I in Salt Lake, aways with a message or challenge for us to work on during the week knowing he would be back to receive a report. First visiting with Tanner, then with me as we walk out. He was not there just to see Tanner, but he was there for me, making sure Tanner's mom was ok too. I will never forget what he has done for our family. His counselors were the same, always there when blessing were needed, for someone to talk too, or a prayer to be said, so grateful for there time and love.

Tanner We love and miss you
Kristi

Quotes

These Quotes were on Tanner's computer, thought we would share them with you.


“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

If you're not making mistakes, you're not taking risks

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

The truth is, if you ask me to choose between winning the Tour de France and cancer, I would choose cancer. Odd as it sounds, I would rather have the title of cancer survivor than winner of the Tour, because of what it has done for me as a human being, a man, a husband, a son, and a father.
-Lance Armstrong

"Knowledge is power, community is strength and positive attitude is everything"
— Lance Armstrong

"I wanted to live, but whether I would or not was mystery, and in the midst of confronting that fact, even at that moment, I was beginning to sense that to stare into the heart of such a fearful mystery wasn't a bad thing. To be afraid is a priceless education.
— Lance Armstrong

Its never as bad as it seems, except when its worse

Never argue about War with a German, love with a Frenchmen, Food with an Italian, or Death with a cancer patient.

Sometimes fear can be an extremely powerful motivator.

You can over come anything. death, disease, love and hate. Sometimes independence isn't just about being alone its about finding yourself.

sometimes the road of life takes you strait through hell, you can break my body but you’ll never break my soul. we will win this fight and bury this sorrow, maybe tonight maybe tomorrow, so we'll LIVESTRONG

its always darkest just before the dawn,
so stay awake with me lets prove them wrong

Do you care to be the layer of the bricks that seal your fate?
(The bricks that seal your fate)
Or would you rather be the architect of what we might create?

LOVE MY SON!!

Memories

My dear friends,
I am trying to work up the courage to start Tanner's memory book. We have received many cards and thoughts regarding Tanner's strenght and courage, and what an over all amazing young man he is. If you would like to say a final good bye to Tanner, I would love to have this to put in his book. We have received much comfort from your kind words of Tanner. I believe this book will be a great source of comfort for us in the many years to come.
You can post here,
My email is rkstksmith@yahoo.com.
My home address:
743 River Heights Blvd
River Heights Ut
84321

Thank you for your continued support
Love Kristi

Tender Mercies

I had the opportunity to go to girls camp this last week. I love girls camp expecially when there are trailers, showers, and clean bathrooms. And of course a great cook. We went to Beaver Mountain this year and the girls stayed in the yurt, (large solid teepee looking thing.)Being in the mountains has always been on of my favorite places to be, but there was a special peace I felt this time, it was quite emotional at times, and so reverant others.
Sometimes my emotions are so raw that even thinking brings back so much hurt. As you all know at girls camp there is a special night at which we have a testimony meeting. I had been thinking about this night for a while and wondered how I would ever get through it. I even asked a couple of the leaders if I really needed to share my testimony this time. But as it began I had this overwelming, and I mean overwelming feeling that I need to share some sacred experiences we have had with Tanner. I remember thinking, Lord if I stand would you please help me. That moment I was on my feet sharing some tender mercies given to our family. As I was sharing, my sweet Kaley began to cry, harder than I had seen in some time, an I realized my testimony was a way for her to release her saddness, she felt safe, peaceful and loved, I needed to give her the gate to open those feelings, how grateful I was that i listened to those promptings. Later Kaley shared her testimony of her last goodbye to her brother, what a tender experience for me. She is so precious to me.

Then on Saturday was the curesearch walk in salt lake. This was the first year for this event, and i wanted to go but knew it would be hard. But with the support on family, we went. I was barely in the park when a dear friend greeted me with a wonderful hug, we cried together and held each other, with her sweet baby girl. So happy she is doing well, and feeling my loss at the same time. Many others greeted us with hugs and tears, as they shared there feelings about Tanner, each was the message of Tanner's kindness and strenght. With many saying they will never forget Tanner, What a tender mercy. Then my friend grabed my arm and took me to the front of the stage area, they were releasing white balloons for the children we had lost this year. I was handed a balloon. With a moment of silence we released our balloon, and she held me as we cried together. I was so grateful to have that experience.
So as you can tell it has been a very busy. emontional week, but I am so grateful for the tender experiences that were given to me. So grateful my Heaven Father, knows just what i need when i need it.
Thank you for your continued prayers for our family.
Love to all
Kristi

The Dream

Going to bed last night was a welcome event after my day of emotions. Writing the blog last night help to vocalize my feelings, and put them in some kind of order. As I prayed last night for a little more understanding, and comfort, I drifted off to sleep.
"The Dream" began as Tanner and I were on our way to Salt Lake to visit our friends in Primary Children's Hospital, and go the Curesearch walk. We entered the hospital to the welcoming arms of the Nurses we haven't seen for a while, we enjoyed our visits, then off to visit the kids, when a nurse noticed Tanner was not feeling so well, he had a fever, yes admitted again, replaying the same events that were so familiar to us. Put in a room with a beautiful view of the outside world, children playing, families together, and the sun shining. Tanner lay in his bed watching. As I started frantically looking for a hotel to stay in. He was back, but not in the way I wanted him to be, he entered into his diseased body, his isolated room,only to watch the view from a window. This is not what I have wanted, and I began to feel a joy that Tanner was free, free from diseased body, free from an inside view only. He did this for me, to help me understand how happy he is, how blessed we are to have a body, but some of them are not perfect. He his healthy.
I woke up happy to have spent a little time with him in my dream, but filled with joy to know he no longer is limited in what he can accomplish, his possibilities are endless, as is our family. We are forever-strong
Kristi

Hard to accept

As I sit here tonight, 6 weeks after Tanner's passing,I am wondering if there will ever be a day or even a moment when it doesn't hurt. I have been thinking about Tanner and missing him all day, and found myself almost pleading with my Heavenly Father to please give him back. Though I know this is not possible I long to see him again. I miss his raise of his eyebrow as he walks into the room and says hi mom, and the whats for dinner mom, and I'm going to Alex's don't worry see ya later's, an so many other things. But today it's "how long do I have to wait to see him again" is he happy, is grandma still kissing him, and does he miss us. I know the answer to all of these things is yes, but the human heart wants more. So onto my knee's I go to ask for peace in my heart, to help me be a little stronger tomorrow than I was today. To remember all the good he has done, and follow his example. He inspires me to be a better person.
I know that this is alot of personal feelings, but I want this blog to be a source of healing and strenght know, and to record our thoughts our memories, our laughs and our tears if needed. If you would like to follow you are welcome and we love to read your posts and stories of Tanner. So please feel free to share.
Many of you have commented that you don't know what to say to us, so here is just a few ideas, Tell us your sorry, that you loved him too, that you mourn with us, and you are praying for us, or even simple, I don't know what to say to you but I love you. These small simple things are all we need, and that you won't forget him either.

We are so grateful for all the books, music, pictures that we have been given, to help us heal. It truly is appreciated.
Thank you for your continued love and support,we know our Heavenly Father is aware of our sorrow, and comforts us continually.
Love to all
Kristi

Cure Search Video

This is a video of the brave kids diagnosed with cancer in Utah this past year. Many of them have beaten cancer, some are still fighting, and a few have gone on to a better place.

Support CureSearch and help find a cure for Childhood Cancer.

Watch close and you will see Tanner twice!

Thoughts

It has been a long while since I shared any thoughts. I used to post every sunday afternoon, sharing some of the experiences of the previous week. Well today I would like to share some thoughts of the last month. I was sitting in the chair of a dentist this week whom I hadn't seen for a long period of time, mostly due to convenience. There is always a hesitaion of people when they greet you as they don't know what to say or do. However this guy has been in my position before and knew how it feels to lose someone. I don't think it was a coincidenced that I had called that morning due to breaking a tooth the day before, and he was able to see me that day. We had an amazing visit, and as I shared some things with him, I realized that most of the time it is a matter of perspective as to wether things are positive or negative. I thoght about the last 7 monthes and how much we as a family had been blessed. We drove to SLC twice a week, most of the time was in snow and rain. But had been kept safe. We were able to meet other families in the ICS who helped us cope, and see that the trials and adverity we were enduring, things could be so much worse. We were able to support other families who were new to this trial and help them get though the difficult times though our experiences. Though we spenet weeks at a time seperated as a family and the only contact we had daily was texting and phone calls, we have never been closer as a family. Tanner shared this and imformed this to Kristi in a Mothers day note he wrote her. In my employment, Things just went well for me in my resposibilities, in thinking back I am amazed at how I was able to be absent and I never had any issues come up that couldn't be handled long distance. It has been commented to me that the ward and neighborhood was brought together in making "THE RALLY FOR TANNER" a reality. But what stands out the most is that on Tanners final day here, we were able to spend May 14 day together as a family, a complete family. We live 1 block from the cemetary, we visit often. Tanner was in charge and seemed to know the answers to things before Doctors informed us. He was able to be free of pain until the last week. This is usually not the case. So looking back we were watched over and looked after. Blessed in so many ways! I could go on and on.

I have been trying to come up with the words to describe the last 5 weeks for a while now. And cannot yet describe the support we have recieved. We have been comforted by so many and still not a day goes by that we recieve a card or letter in the mail telling us what an impact Tanner had on them. These are the things that get us through the hard times. We live in an amazing community and neighborhood, and I cannot imagine the last 6 monthes with out the help we recieved. Simply put we have been taken care of. The hardest thing for me to do was to say yes to some of the service shown to us. These things will never be forgotten, as they were done out of Love and compassion.

I hope these thoughts make sense, as I am not much of a writer.

Love

Robert

Thank you

I have started to write a blog at least 4 or 5 times. Each time I would get a line or two done, and then quit. I am filled with such sadness it's hard to continue, but I need to say thank you. Thank you for your kindness and love you have shown.

We have been comforted by your willingness to share our loss. We are so grateful for the tender stories that have been shared with us about Tanner. We are grateful for the kind notes and letters from the wonderful staff at Primary Children's hospital. We love and miss you and will see you again one day.

Tanner was such an example of quite strenght and we know he is now serving his mission, and doing a far greater work. I feel very blessed to be his mother.

To my wonderful family, we could not have done with without you, my brothers and sisters,friends and ward family, We know the Lord has angels on this earth and we are blessed to know many of you.
I have so many things I want to share with you, and I hope to do so in time, but for now thank you for your continued support, you have not left us,as we learn to face this life without Tanner, but know he will be with us forever. Earth is only for a short time, but he is in our hearts and thoughts every minute of every day.

Kristi

Our Gift

This was a gift from a dear friends of our family. It was created by a local artist named Doc Christensen. We had thought of having one made for Tanner a year ago, but never got around to it. It is entitled "Armour OF God". And the symbolism Comes from D And C 27:15-18

Breastplate represents righteousness

shield represents faith
helmet represents salvation
sword represents the spirit of Christ

I still cannot comprehend the support we have received both in the previous weeks and days. While we move ahead the tears still flow easily. I have been trying to come up with words to describe my feelings of the last days but simply cannot grasp any to convey my thoughts.

Continued thanks

Robert

Beautiful tribute to Tanner

A dear family friend wrote this beautiful tribute to Tanner.
Thank you Kiel.

http://kiel-thenormalone.blogspot.com


http://kiel-thenormalone.blogspot.com/2011/05/mile-stones.html?spref=fb

Some thoughts

Words cannot describe the feelings I have felt over the last week. Probably the best way to describe it is by simply saying I have been carried spiritually. I was able to do some things I never felt I would be capable of. On Thursday night I was a little taken back at the number of people who came to visit the mortuary, but on Friday as we arrived at the church early for some family pictures, I couldn't help but notice the overflow chairs set up in the chapel. I thought to my self, I think they went over board. When I stood at the podium to share my thoughts about Tanner over the last 6 Months, To my surprise the seats were filled. Talk about overwhelming. To think that Tanner had affected that many people. It was a wonderful 2 days. And an amazing tribute to Tanner.

As I pondered over the last days, I can't help but think how truly blessed we have been. We were able to spend 7 hours with Tanner when he was still aware and with us. He was not in pain and he had made his decision to accept the inevitable. What a comfort it is to know he is finally at peace and will not have to endure pain any longer. The other blessing That has occurred to me is we live 1 block from the cemetary. We can visit at will and remember what an amazing example he was.

It is hard to believe it has been six month's since this latest trial began. It had began to be normal to spend life as a single parent and have phone conversations with Kristi regarding everyday matters. I cannot describe how it feels to be together again. However there is this huge hole in my heart that just aches from the emptiness. I cannot describe what it felt like to walk out of the hospital the last time, to make that drive home and to sit at the dinner table with an empty chair next to me.

Yesterday, Alex (Tanners best friend and adopted son) came with me to clean out our apartment is SLC. I went back to PCMC to return a book to Andrews mom (It was simply and excuse to visit). It was a little difficult to enter due to the memories.
Andrew is in the same room as Tanner was. We had a great visit and couldn't help but feel the presence of Kim and Tanner watching over him.

When I checked the blog of Ashly Duke yesterday morning, My heart jumped as I read she was going to get the transplant she so desperately needed. It was scheduled for yesterday. As I checked last night for updates, things seemed to be going well. Her Heart had stopped twice and they were able to revive her both times. But as they were close to being finished It stopped once again and finally this evening we we received confirmation that she did pass away. It is so sad that it took this long to get her to this point, only to be to weak to compete the transplant. I know the lord will bless the Duke family, they are amazingly strong, but still doesn't make it any easier

Thank you for all the prayers and support that has been extended to my family over the last weeks.

Love
Robert

Tanner left this mortal existence on Saturday May 14, 2011 at Primary Children’s Medical Center after a courageous and valiant battle against AML Leukemia. Tanner is the son of Robert and Kristi Smith of River Heights. He was born on December 20, 1991 in Logan, Utah.
In his Youth he participated in Power Tumbling where he competed in National Championships. He also played competitive soccer. Tanner was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on January 1st, 2000, the first day of the new Millennium. At the age of 14, Tanner earned Rank of Eagle Scout. In his Sophomore year of high school, Tanner found what he enjoyed most, being the Logan High Mascot. As part of those duties he visited all of Logan City’s elementary schools promoting reading. It was during this time that he was initially diagnosed with his first cancer, Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. His goal was to return as Grizzwald, which he accomplished. Tanner graduated from Logan High School in 2010. After his graduation he worked at Lee’s Market Place full time, while preparing to serve his mission. On November 10th, 2010 he received his call to serve in the Louisiana Baton Rouge, mission. A call which he wholeheartedly accepted. He was eager to serve the Lord. Five short days later, he was given the devastating news of a new cancer, AML Leukemia. It was at Primary Children’s Medical Center that he began to serve a different kind of mission. For the Last 6 months Tanner has been teaching by his soft and quiet demeanor. Tanner seldom used words, but his Christ Like Example spoke volumes. Tanner was able to attend the temple for the first time, during one of his brief stays at home. This was a goal that he has worked toward all his life. During his latest 6 month trial, he never complained and his motto was “one day at a time”. He was known by the hospital staff as Golden.
He is survived by his parents, his grandfather Deloy Hall (Delois) sisters Shayna West (Shawn), and Kaley, favorite nephew Jaxon, his dog Mandy, and his extended family.
He was preceded in death by Grandparents William B. And Peggy Smith, and Wanda Spencer.
On behalf of the family we would like thank the entire ICS staff, Dr Phillip Barnette and the Oncology team for their loving care of Tanner.
Funeral Services will be held at 12:00 noon Friday may 20 at the River Heights Stake Center 600 East 800 South in River Heights. A viewing will be held Thursday May 19 6-8 pm at Allen Hall Mortuary on Center Street in Logan and at The Stake Center Friday at 10:30 prior to services.
Our family will be “FOREVER STRONG” because of Tanner!!!!

funeral plans

We have spent the day making arrangement. There viewing will be Thursday may 19 from 6-8 pm at Allen Hall mortuary of center street in Logan and the funeral will be at the River Heights Stake center 800 south and 600 east. the funeral services will be at 12:00 noon with a viewing prior at 10:30. Internment will be at the Providence Cemetery.

It has been a very difficult last 2 weeks and even more difficult weekend. Words cannot describe the comfort when we read the words of support and encouragement. we Know and understand he is where he is supposed to be. But the emptiness we feel is overwhelming.

We truley appriciate your continued love and prayers

The Smith Family

Tanner passed away at around 7:00 pm Saturday may 14. I will post more at a later date but for now please respect our privacy and communicate only electronically. It has been a long 2 weeks and we are exhausted both mentally and physically.





Love the Smith Family

Not the best news

Tanner has been experiencing severe stomach pain since his exit from the icu, It has be decided he has pancreatitis, typhlitis, and whats called third space, this is where plasma of the blood is leaking out of the vascular system into the chest cavity. Any one of these is not good, but all three is terrible. Fevers, high heart rates and pain have all been hard to control. To heal the pancreatitis and typhlitis this involves no food or liquids since last Saturday, he was finally able to have water yesterday. His pain is a little better today as well.

Now for the worse news, Tanner has to many cancer cells to go to transplant, his body has become immune to the chemo, and is not responding to treatment. They are searching for another out patient chemo that he hasn't received, that his cancer may respond too.

So for now the plan is to get his stomach better and get him out of the hospital to enjoy some sunshine.

Please send your prayers our way, this is critical they find the right drugs for Tanner.
Please be patient with us, This has been extremely hard on our family. We love you and are so grateful for your love and prayers.
Love Kristi

Not great

Tanner is about the same, still in pain and feeling terrible. Had a fever last night so they drew more labs to see if there is any new changes. For now he is to sick to go to transplant. so it's a wait and see thing.
Tanner really needs your prayers and support. This is a very tough time for our family, so please be patient on the updates, we really need to focus on him getting better.
We love you and are so grateful for you
Love to all
Kristi

Out of icu

Just a quick note to let you know Tanner is out of icu and back on the 4th floor room 4421. They are still working on trying to control his pain. He is happy to be back to familiar nurses and routine. They are so good to us here, and take such good care of Tanner. We haven't heard anything about transplant yet, but Tanner has a long way to go to get better from this setback. Hopefully we will find out what the plan is soon. But for now he is settle in and going to try and get some rest.
Thank you for your love and prayers. We are blessed because of you!
And yes there are Angels in the icu!!
Love Kristi

ICU

Things are going ok here in icu. We do not have use of our cell phones, or we are not supposed too. So I will update you from here. Tanner is resting a little better, not great but better. His stomach is very sensitive due to the tiflitis, which is a LARGE open sore in his intestinal track. His back pain is also a little better still not sure if this is all the same related problem. Due to being in ICU and his need to recover from this they will postpone the transplant date about a week is what the Dr's are thinking, we had to postpone radiation for a few days as well, we need to have him as well as possible to go ahead to transplant. Clear as mud??? Ya me too.
This mornig it wasn't clear whether he would need surgery, but as for now, they will give it a few days to see if it will heal itself, his blood counts are all pretty good so they are willing to wait and see, and keep a good eye on him along the way.
His heart rate has been pretty high and they are giving him lots of fluids so that is a concern as well. But we have great nurses and Dr's here watching closely.
Hope that helps, I'll try to keep ya posted if anything new changes.
Thanks for the love and prayers, and please keep them coming.
Love to all
Kristi

Another Transfer

Tanners condition through the night changed to the point that they did a ct scan this morning to check on numerous other things. From pancreatitis to tifflitis. His blood works show numerous things that they needed to check on. The ct showed a major case of tifflitis. Far more severe than he has had before. Just to be safe and ready for things that they were concerned about he was moved to ICU this morning. He is finally resting comfortably, but is on a moderate dose of continuous dose dillotid. So for now all things are on hold, for a few days. So no aspirate today or radiation, however his face paralysis has improved. What we do know is that this needs to heal before transplant.

This is simply one more hurdle to cross in the latest Trial we call life.

A different kind of bus ride

Tanner was released from PCMC on Thursday afternoon after his radiation treatment. He spent the night at the apartment in SLC. He informed us that his back was hurting immensely due to the bed. He came home for the weekend after radiation on Friday. He wasn't feeling all that great but he was glad to be home. We were just happy to have one last weekend together before transplant, especially since is was Mothers day today. When I got up this morning he was sitting in the living room in intense pain. Kristi called the doctors in SLC and talked to them. Kristi took him to Logan Regional to get the pain under control then he was transferred by bus (ambulance) to the ER at PCMC. Dr Barnette happened to be working this weekend and said the possibilities for the problem are compression fractures, kidney stones, or muscle pain from high dose steroids. After an MRI, the results came back negative for everything. So apparently the pain is being caused by the steroids. He was admitted back to our second home at ICS until he gets his pain under control. He is scheduled for an aspirate tomorrow. So pray for good results so he can move on to transplant. It seems that we ought to be due for some good days. It almost seems like days like this has became normal. Someday we will indeed have a normal life again, but for now this is what we have to endure.

As always prayers are felt and appreciated

Robert

Leukemia cells or Virus

That has been the big question, as Robert has posted Tanner has had a problem with paralysis of the left side of his face. To make a VERY long story short it is not a virus but Leukemia cells that have formed a small cluster around a nerve behind his left ear, this is what they believe is causing the problem. This means that he will have to be treated with 10 days of radiation from the huntsman center, they will treat his whole brain.
On the bright side Tanner is feeling well, his counts are good enough to go home, but we have radiation every day, so we are hoping to at least go to the apartment we have down here and get him out of the hospital for a little while.
He will come back on Monday or Tuesday to have a bone marrow biopsy to see if the cancer is at a level we can proceed with the transplant. If so he will begin His last round of chemo to "kill all cells" healthy or not, which is about 5 or 6 days then onto transplant on May 23rd! (Kaley's Birthday)
We really need this to go as planned, so please include Tanner in your prayers.
Thank you
Kristi

Then and Now

It has been a week since the big Rally last week. I wish I could put into words the feeling of seeing about 1000 people there to support Tanner. When I was approached last January about doing a fundraiser of this scale, the initial goal was a few hundred, maybe 300 to 500. As the weeks went by it became apparent to me the level of support that there was. When the day finally arrived and as things were set up, Things just flowed. The whole night went as planned. And the masses just showed up. I simply cannot find the words to describe what I was feeling. As has been posted previously, I add my gratitude to those who made this event possible. The list is extremely long so I will just add mine to those previously.


Now on to the current events, Late Saturday night Tanner had a headache like he has not experienced before. And with that came an event similar to Bells Palsy. His left half of his face was (for lack of better terms) paralyzed. Though not to the extreme that I have seem before. But any thing like this is extremely concerning. They did a ct scan that night. It came back negative. An MRI was done yesterday and showed a bit of inflammation in the area they were looking at. And today a spinal tap to check for anything viral. Ultimately there were a couple of leukemic cells were seen in the spinal fluid.

While this at first thought is extremely worrisome, as well it should be, When Dr Barnett talked with us, he assured us that this will in no way change plans for transplant!!! The game plan now is to do 10 days of radiation. By the time that is finished it will be time to move on to transplant phase. That is of course if the biopsy next week comes back good.

For those who are familiar with the medical terminology, his blood is still looking really good. He actually has an ANC of 500 today, due to the fact he has been doing neupegen injections to stimulate cell growth. There are no blasts seen in the blood. As Dr Barnette explained to us, Nuepegen will stimulate growth of good cells and also the bad. So they have no reason to think he is not in a position for transplant. The last treatment he received the chemo drug, mitazantrin, doesn't penetrate the nervous system and that would explain why this is now showing up.

So there you have it, a different day different plans. This seems to be the norm lately. Some day this will be behind us and we look back and wonder how we were able to endure. The we will remember that it was due to the huge support we get from everyone.

Please continue to remember Tanner with your prayers and Faith

Robert

finally a plan!

Well as i said in my last post i try to update when we get new news. well today we finally have a plan! (kind of) my doc this morning came in and to my suprise said he had been in contact with the bone marrow team here overseeing my transplant. they have set some dates that they are shooting for but are still pretty tenative. but, as of right now things are as follows: may 10 or 11th will be my next bone marrow aspirate to make sure we are seeing none or a very minimal amount of diseased cells. assuming (and praying) thats what they find they will start the "conditioning" round of chemo to completely wipe out any existing marrow to make room for the transplant on the 17th of may, and the transplant itself is scheduled for the 23rd. happy birthday kaley!

so thats what we know right now, its possible and likely some of that will change though. as for going home.... that varies depending on what doc you ask but my gut feeling tells me thats not too promising. its absolutely critical i keep free of infection between now and transplant so depending on what my counts and immune system look like will be the deciding factor on that. however after 5 intense rounds of chemo there is a possibility that my immune system has been too damaged and wont recover. if thats the case then i definately wont be seeing home anytime soon. as frustrating and scary as that sounds, after going through a relapse a month ago i am willing to sacrifice a week at home to prevent that and get on with the transplant sooner. in the long run thats 7 days sooner we can get back to normal life.

in other news after a month of being here we finally made our way to the "penthouse" of the ICS here. a much bigger room, including a couch for the parents to stretch out on instead of the lovely chair/bed/cot in previous rooms. sarcasm aside, it is definately nice to be able to stretch out a little more.

lastly, so many thank yous are in order i dont even know where to begin. i guess all the visitors over the last few weeks! we have had lots and its definately been nice to see everyone! to the mclungs for the balloons, very much appreciated! i wont say too much about the fundraiser because it would take all night to write my thoughts and appreciation to each and every person involved with that. i am still in disbelief about it all so a BIG thank you to everyone! you are all amazing!!

so its really nice to have a game plan now. it really helps to have things to look forward to instead of sitting here day after day wondering about everything i just talked about. in turn i think the mood and spirits of myself and those around have definately been lifted today!

- tanner

tanner slide show

WOW!!! What a party!!!

I don't ever know where to begin,. I thing I'll start with a BIG THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
To Cathie Thunell Family, your vision of this night was far bigger that any of us could imagine,your tireless hours of labor on our behalf will be one of the best memories of our life, you have cried with me and celebrated the joys with us, wrapped us in warm blankets made with love and helped secure a place comfortable to live while away from home, thank you for that gift. You are and example of the what Christ like service is, thank you!
To Sean and Diane Kartchner and family, this would not have been possible without all the flyer's and publicity, and auction items you worked so hard on, the designs were perfect for Tanner, you did so much, to put Tanner's story out there and we are so grateful people got to see what an amazing person Tanner is. Not to mention Sean and his desire to raise money for Tanner, having his own jar, which he promised to shave his head if he raised $500.00 dollars, it was not part of the bargain to shave it publicly but with a little peer pressure, OK alot! he didn't have much choice. Sure was fun for me I haven't shaved a head in a long time. Thank you!
To Geoff and Peggy Smith and family, The slide show was just what Tanner wanted, up beat and fun, thanks for helping with the raffle and organizing all the volunteers. Tanner enjoyed watching it through skype, it was a great thing for him to see how many people are supporting him.
To Janet Wood and family, what a group you are, so much fun,you helped so much with the food and entertainment, both were a huge success, watching you was a highlight of the night for me. Playing music chairs, selling treats and candy stripers, I think everyone was entertained.Thank you!!!!!
To the Mascots, thank you for making the night so much fun, it was important to our family that this night be fun, you definitely made that happen. We know your time is so busy, and for you to come to support Tanner was awesome. you guys are the best!!
To the Volunteers, this would not have been possible without you, truly we are so grateful for your service.
To the bands and cheer teams, thank you, thank you, thank you, we loved that you were apart of this for Tanner.
To the Coppermill, thank you for the Delicious meal, and your support of Robert and our family.
To those who donated items thank you for your generously, we hope your life is blessed because of your unselfishness.
I am sure I have missed so many people, and I'm sorry, but please know we love you and are so grateful for your serves to our family.
But most of all THANK YOU to those who came to support our family, we felt so much love that night. It was once said that as we are by Tanner's side, you are by ours, we feel that to be true. There is no possible way to endure this trial without the love and support of those who surround us.
As this evening was planned, our request was that those coming received a good meal and that it was a fun night, we feel both were accomplished, we hope you did too.
To my family, I love you so much, you are my strenght and my shoulder to cry on, and my treasure in life.

Tanner was able to watch most of this event, the Internet is very slow here at the hospital, so we were happy to know this whole evening was video taped. Tanner will be able to watch the whole evening as often as he wants, me too.

Once again thank you so much, we are sustained through your prayers and love, I know this is true, and know where our blessings come from, as hard as it is to understand we know we are blessed!
Love to all
Kristi

{ Rally for Tanner }

Hey Everybody!

We are gearing up for Tanner's Fundraiser coming up on Monday. This event is going to be amazing! The men and women who put this event together have worked so hard.

PLEASE come to support Tanner!

The event will be held on Monday April 25, 2011 from 5:30pm - 7:30pm at the Logan Rec Center. Tickets are $10 for Adults, $6 for Children 10 and younger or a family of 6 for $50. The raffle tickets are $1 each of or 6 for $5

Here are some things to look forward to:

*A fantastic Delicious Dinner catered by the Coppermill. They will be serving Paprika Chicken and Au-gratin Potatoes. There will also be Dinner Rolls and Brownies.... YUM!!!

* A Silent Auction and Raffle! There are so many AWESOME items! You have to come to believe everything that was so generously donated! A few of items include; Ipad 2, fleece blankets, baby blankets, hair bows, Utah Blaze items, Utah Jazz items, Utah States shirts, Lotoja Items, Beanies and Scarfs, Pepperidge Farm Gift Baskets and Gift Cards and Certificates. There are so many things that I didn't mention. We counted everything up and the grand total was 125 items (Just for the Silent Auction)!!!

* A Spectacular Pep Rally! We have commitments from Big Blue, Torch from the Utah Blaze,Wolverine and Mini Wolverine from UVU, Swoop from U of U, Grizzbee from Utah Grizzlies, Little Bear from Utah Jazz and Grizzwald. Maybe even more may come. There will be fun games involving the Mascots and the audience. The MORE people there is the more FUN it will be!

* This event will be viewed live by Tanner while he is at Primary Childrens Medical Center

I hope this makes you as excited as we all are! Tickets are still available! Try to get the purchased tomorrow so we can get a good head count for the Dinner. A limited amount of tickets will be available at the door.

Please go tohttp://events.r20.constantcontact.com/register/event?oeidk=a07e3jpi06m76dd8b5c&llr=bmtkhgdab to purchase tickets.

We appreciate all your love and support! We hope to see you there!

post round 5

well i guess its about time i update my own blog for once since probably december! i know im bad and as my mother tells me "people like to hear from me" and i guess that could be true but i feel like i never really have much to say... so when i dont update thats really why is its kinda like we are always waiting for more news to tell but when we get that something else pops up so i wait to post and it turns ito a big long chain of holding if off. (if that makes sense)

i will back up a few weeks to when we readmitted this last time for round four of chemo. being home for too long ended up backfiring on us and i had a relapse. they were to use a new sort of still experemental drug that ended up giving me the worst side effect ive had to date but absotuley nothing to the cancer. thats right round 4 was absolutely useless. so as soon as i recovered enough for another round, this last one they went back to the old guns that worked the first time. which was this last week.

so being up to date those of you following my progress know that last week definately had a few rough days. thursday in particular we barely managed to escape the ICU. didnt want to lose my corner room with a view i guess! friday came a complete turn around, i was mentally with it and everything was stable. another of lifes miracles i guess...

as for my current state, the big question of "how are you feeling?" i feel pretty good overall. as to be expected though the last few days ive been as low on energy as i can ever remember. to the point that im literaly exhausted to walk across the room. im also another 6 pounds lighter. i guess that explains things. losing all the weight is extremely frustrating because even with a normal appetite i just cant seem to get it back. let alone right now when about all i can stomach is a jamba juice. hopefully within a week or so ill be back at my normal eating and activity. we have been clearance to actually leave the room with neccecary precautions. which is about the most exiting thing we have heard in a while! if only i could make it down the hall without collapsing. oh well, in time i guess.

im done with my rambling now and i think that covers the last little while up to current! thanks for all you do!

-tanner

And now for the rest of the story

I arrived at the hospital last night at around 8:00. I was met in the entry area by Scott who has been here with his daughter since last August and we chatted for a bit and talked of the events of the last days. As I entered the ICS unit I was greeted by a familiar face and again the same scenario. Then finally proceeded to his coveted quiet corner room with a view. I visited with his nurse outside of his room. I have come to the conclusion that he has gained a bit of a following with the staff and other families here. I attended church services here, as usual today and the topic was of the music and speaker was Faith. With this in mind I want to share some thoughts, both personal and those which have been shared with me over the last few days. Late Thursday morning I received a call from Kristi indicating that she needed me to come to the hospital asap. I didn't ask for details just basics. I took care of the matter at hand and arrived 3 hours later. Due to the fact that Tanner had been on increasing doses of pain meds due to Mucositis (mouth sores), it was beginning to cause unintended issues. The critical matter at hand was that he was beginning to build up fluid in his lungs. This seldom has a good resolution. That morning it was anticipated he would be transferred to ICU. When I arrived his doctor was in his room and informed me he had made huge improvements in the few hours since giving him meds to force his kidneys to work to force excess fluids from his body. So for the time being he was not moved to ICU. But the other concerning thing to us was the fact he was hallucinating, was agitated and not wanting to leave his oxygen on. One observation I had was that he looked far better than when I last saw him Monday night. He had had his pain meds removed in the morning and indicated that he didn't have any pain. But his mental status was reminiscent of my mom who had suffered a stroke 6 years ago. His speech was not coherent and talked of things that were not real. But did know what was happening and who was here. Shawn and Shayna also came down and Shawn assisted me in administering to him. I felt an amazing presence in his room and the words that were said were not mine. When I finished I questioned in my mind the words I spoke, but since they were not my words, I felt a calm assurance that things would be OK. I soon left to drive back home as Kaley was still in Logan due to a Field trip she had gone on. The next morning Kristi call me and shared the events of a dream she had had. This had confirmed the words spoken in his blessing the day before. When she arrived at the hospital that morning, she found Tanner to be nearly 100 per cent normal mental status. Lets just say I don't think this was a coincidence. In thinking about the events of the last week and talking with numerous staff members I have come to the following conclusion. He was being attended to by My mother and his mental status was her way of letting me know she was present. Almost his every action from pulling and picking at his fingers and removing his oxygen to the speech were an exact memory I have of her condition. Also Kristi had told me of an incident of he was trying to reach for something on his tray table. It was out of reach so he used his foot to get it. When the nurse complimented him on his ingenuity he simply responded "It was good enough for who it is for". This was a phrase used by my Dad who passed away 5 years ago. This comment is not something he would say on his own. So as I talked about last week, The patients here are indeed watched over by angels and he did have some help to recover as he did. It was said to me at least 5 times last night and this morning that his recovery was nothing short of a miracle!!!!!!!! As I said earlier the theme of meeting this morning was Faith. when I got back to his room I went to the church website and searched for the Address of elder Oaks address last year of healing of the sick and the power of faith when administering to the sick. He talked of the fact that it doesn't matter the words spoken simply the fact that the person have "Faith". It is such a simple thing, and also the first principle of the gospel.



I will finish with this statement from Pres. Monson as it was quoted this morning. "Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith"


I hope these thoughts make a bit of sense, as I am not a writer. Thanks for all yours concern, thoughts, prayers and FAITH. Love to all Robert

A better day

Good morning, We finally have a bit of good news to share, Tanner is feeling a bit better. Chemo is done and he is off all pain meds. Still on nausea meds but I would be too. As my sweet husband explained, we have had a few VERY hard days. It was truly the scariest day of my life on Thursday. Tanner was retaining fluids and it was affecting his lungs, then he wasn't getting enough oxygen, with hallucinations and a bit sassy. The doctors worked the whole day to keep him out if the ICU. Shayna and Shawn came down as we gave Tanner a blessing. What peace that brings to a place of worry and confusion. Our nurses are always fantastic and give the best care, we are so grateful for them. So now we continue to pray for the chemo to be a success, we won't know for maybe two weeks. We need a miracle! Thank you so much for your prayers and messages of love, we feel sustained and lifted to endure another day because of you. Kristi

1 step forward and 5 steps back

Things do not seem to be progressing in a timely manner or positive manner for all that goes. As Kristi explained yesterday he has been on a whole myriad of different meds to try and counteract all the negatives going on. Today he began to collect fluid in his lungs which is absolutely not good. Kristi called me and a ran down to salt lake. in the 3 hours since she notified me he was given a drug to force his kidneys to work harder and it had made a big difference with just one dose. He was spared a move to ICU, so we will wait and hope and pray, and maybe he will have something go his way. Needless to say it has been a difficult last few weeks and I think were about due for something positive to happen. Words cannot describe the knowledge of the concern for our family. And To say thank you seems to be inadequate, just know that we do feel the support and prayers daily!!!!!!! Robert

Day four of chemo

Just when you think it's got to get better, the mouth sores show up, and if he has mouth sores you know that his whole system is in bad shape as well. And yes it is as bad as you think, maybe ever worse. Tanner is on oxygen, nausea meds, a pain pump, antibiotics, chemo, heart medicine, platlets, and blood transfusions, and a med to help reduce the water he is retaining. Sometime the kids has got to catch a break! But for the most part he is not aware what is going on, he can here conversations, and know what meds he needs but he can't tell you what just happened, which is what I'm counting on, remembering nothing. Thanks to my dear friend Gina, who put Tanner's name in 50 Temples, how amazing is that!!! The blessings are sure to come our way. And to our dear friends who are over the fundraiser, WE LOVE YOU. We know how hard you have worked to pull this off, thank you! What a blessing you are in our lives. To my sisters thank you for the much needed break, it was so good to have family here with me. Thank you to our ward, we love being with you, your prayers and fasting has blessed us with much need strenght, thank you. So many more to say thank you too, please, please know that we know of you and are so grateful for you. Love to all Kristi

Random Thoughts for April 10

Finally we have a little bit of sun happening here. I has snowed in Logan for the past 3 days. As you well know by now Tanner has begun yet another round of Chemo since the last one 2 weeks ago was ineffective. This one will be for 6 days, we don't know how he will react to it but the problem right now is the effects from 2 weeks ago are now beginning to manifest in the way of swollen gums and the like. Thankfully he has a friend named Dilaudid. This will take care of most of the pain for a few hours. And he was just informed he was going to get a PCA pump for constant relief. (Dont worry about him being in video game mode and continually pushing the button, it has a lock out mode so he cant be over medicated) He has continued to take the attack and conquer approach. I had the opportunity to attend sacrament meeting here this morning, It was the usual spiritual meeting, but we had a second speaker in that if Elder Kent Richards. He reminded us he had spoken in the Saturday morning session of conference last week, and elaborated further on the experience he touched on of the 13 year old girl who had underwent a 13 hour surgery to remove a tumor from her spine. while recovering in the ICU after surgery she proceeded to tell her father in detail of the numerous people in the room with them. (Who were all her deceased family members. She then went on to tell her dad that all of the patients at the hospital had angels attending to them. Elder Richards went into a little bit more detail in the fact that this had occurred the day before conference of Friday last week. He reminded us that the Savior is not a silent observer. He himself knows personally and infinitely. I came back and looked the full talk up on lds.org. It was a pretty powerful message. I was able to on Friday night go visit Kim's family at the mortuary. I cannot even begin the express the feeling present there that night in that room. As I recall the conversations, other blog posts etc. the one constant description present in all the thoughts was that of the love the family exudes. I had to work on Saturday but was able to see Kristi before I left for SLC. She told me about the funeral program, and that the main speaker was Ben who is part of the staff who took care of Kim. This is not suprising to me at all, Just another confirmation of the amazing staff here at PCMC. Last week I had the occasion to visit with a longtime associate and friend, the conversation turned to the fundraiser that is being planned on our behalf. He pointed out to me that there is no way for any one to offer any kind of service if there is no one to receive it. This statement really made me think. You cannot be a giver if there are no receivers. Some times we just have to step back, accept let the Lord bless you. On Friday, I again was visiting with a family friend, (somehow I have been inundated with much needed visits) and shared this quote with me, (Here is the gist of it) "Sometimes our Father in Heaven calms the storm, and Sometimes he calms the soul while the storm rages on". I think this is a good description of the last 2 weeks. The storm still continues to rage but I am a bit more calm due to the selfless acts of kindness of others!!!!!!!! And one last thought for some reason I have been reminded of a poem that was shared with us 3 years ago. I tried to find it on the Internet and this one is pretty close.

WHAT CANCER CANNOT D0

Author Unknown

Cancer is so limited

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot eat away peace

It cannot destroy confidence

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot shut out memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot reduce eternal life

It cannot quench the spirit

Thanks for the comments and words of encouragement!!!!!!!

Robert

Here we go...Again.

Over the last few days, Tanner had more tests done to see if the last Chemo treatment worked in killing the Cancer Cells. Mom and Tanner found out this morning that the treatment did not work. Tanner will undergo yet another round of Chemo. They will start tonight (I think). This one will last 6 days, and he will have to stay in the hospital for at least 6 weeks. (Tanner says that "We'll See...") Mom said he is so Strong and Positive about everything. (I told her that one of us had to be...)

At this time we could use more prayers than ever!

Also Tanner checks this blog a lot, please leave any words of Love, encouragement, etc...They really help us pull through this hard time. We love you all!

April 4

I have had so many thoughts I don't know where to begin. Tanner was able to get a room with a view of the valley. The weather has been interesting to say the least. He spent some time Friday night on the 3rd floor patio since the weather was warm and then Sunday morning I drove in snow passing some cars with 8+inches of snow on them. On the drive down on Saturday night. I witnessed a crash on the other side of the freeway, It was almost like slow motion. I saw a car hit the barrier and debris come over it and it took a second to realize what was happening. Then I looked in the mirror and saw the car spinning across the 4 lanes of traffic. I never did hear on the news what the outcome was but it made me think. As you are traveling 80 miles and hour what can happen and how will I react??? With the events of the last week with Tanner being so sick and the passing of Kim, It made me realize, that we are here but a short time, and sometimes there are circumstances beyond our control. As I came into the ICS Saturday night, I couldn't help but feel comfort in the familiarity of it all, the faces of the staff were the same, and was greeted as if I were an old friend returning home. Before I could get to Tanners room I was asked how he was today and if he was doing better. I never cease to be amazed at the staff and the bond they develop with patients and families. I wanted to share an observation a made today. As you know there is nothing more difficult than to have a child who is sick and there is nothing you can do to help them, simply sit at their bedside and be there with them. Last Sunday I was planning on spending Sunday and Monday with Tanner. His first chemo treatment was Sunday morning and he became extremely sick very fast, Kristi informed me that she was not going to leave, but would stay with him. Only a MOM could understand this. The second hardest thing I have had to experience is the separation of our family for extended periods of time. While we may talk and text several times during the day, Lets face it there is noting like a genuine hug when we may be having a difficult time. Today as I was visiting with a parent while doing laundry, it occurred to me what my sweet wife does while she is here with tanner. She is the one that others look to for strength. As I visit with these other parents it is oblivious that not only is she here to be a Mom to Tanner but as a support to others who are struggling just as we are. Take a moment and reread her last post, which was a tribute to Kim, and you will see what i mean. Tanner is doing great since he finished treatment in Thursday, of course this is all relative. He has been eating good, hopefully his recovery will be uneventful and he can move on to the next phase . As always The fasting and prayers on his and my families behalf are needed, welcomed and appreciated. I hope my thoughts made sense. Robert

This is Kim, absolutely BEAUTIFUL

In memory of Kim

Yesterday, was a day never to be forgotten, our sweet Kim left this world and returned to her Father in Heaven. I had the treasured experience to sit with her mom Julie shortly after Kim slipped into a coma. The love that filled her room was unmeasurable, the sweet spirit of peace was present as the nursing staff came one by one to say their goodbye to Kim, many that were not working came and spent the day here just to honor Kim, it was beautiful, as is Kim. One of our other AML mom's came in, as we surrounded Kim we felt blessed to share a bond that will never be lost. We are the mom's of AML, as hard as it is, sometimes we get to experience feelings not of this world, because of the way Kim lived her life we got to experience a peace of heaven. As her family arrived it was easy to see why Kim was the way she was, this family has strength beyond measure, in their time of sorrow they opened the door, allowing us to say our good bye to Kim. She is free from pain, Kim we love you and are so grateful for your example. To Julie, I love you, thank you for sharing this experience with me, you have strengthened my faith by watching you. Your dedication to Kim inspired me to do better and be better, thank you. To Emily, Kim loves you so much, find your comfort and peace from the love you shared. To Dave and Mike, thank you for giving Tanner a blessing, it was such a tender moment, thank you. Our family will pray that peace will be in your hearts, we love you Kristi

Rough days

Sunday was a very hard day on Tanner, this new chemo is bad news (as if any of them are great) but this is bad. In all the time we have been dealing with cancer this was the worst, but they said that it would get easier each day and it has to a small degree. Today just pain and nausea which really is better than than all the rest. Tomorrow is the last day of chemo, then on to a long recovery with hopefully few side affects We are still waiting for the results of the biopsy, maybe tomorrow. That's about it for now, we are so grateful for your continued love and support! Love to all Kristi

Here we go

After we empty all our tears, we are here starting again. Tanner received his first dose of this new chemo drug (chlofarabine) this morning, it has been a very long and hard day on him. The side effects are horrible, body aches, vomiting, chills, nausea, and the list goes on and on. I have tried to keep things very quite for him, so he can rest well. The nurses have been great, so attentive and concerned. The plan so far is this, 5 days of this chemo, count recovery (3 weeks here) and then maybe home for a week if all goes well. then another bone marrow test to see if the cancer is in remission, if so on to transplant if not another round of chemo. Many of you know that Tanner was been having some pain around his clavicle bone area, after an x-ray, ct scan, and a MRI, they found he has a cluster or nest of cancer cells, this is what has been causing his pain. The treatment is the same unless they don't go away, then there is a possibility of radiation therapy. We'll see how things go. Many have asked why the cancer came back, the reason the Doctors gave us is that we had to wait to long for the transplant, Tanner's cancer is so aggressive that 3 weeks is to long for him to go without chemo or transplant. I'm not sure if they will harvest the donor on the 5Th as planned or if they will have him reschedule are well. We are so very grateful for him and what he is willing to do for Tanner. Thank you for your love and support, love Kristi

Why can't things go as planned

We received bad news today, Tanner is no longer in remission. he has 13% cancer cells. He will have to endure one to two more rounds of chemo, hopefully putting him back in remission so we can go forward with transplant. Sometimes life seems so unfair. Luckily Tanner is far stronger than myself, he will face whatever he needs to with courage and strengh, he is so amazing. Please pray for our family, we could us a bit of a lift.
Love Kristi

Staff at Primary's

Two of our PA's, awesome ladies

Mitch, great guy

Sara, so cute

Annie, so sweet

Dave, your awesome

Erika, we love you

Rachel, one of our favorite techs